The Reader's Digest Abridged Version of the Big Bang

At one time, nothing existed. Then the fairy godfather, who looks like a sleazy canister vacuum cleaner salesman, turns his vacuum, labelled "Redi-Vac by Francesco", to "reverse" and empties his bag, dispersing maggots into the void. The maggots transform into flies and the flies buzz around in a place without space for matter to appear in, despite having no time for it to happen during, and then they melt into a hot, dense state only long enough to coalesce into a giant superball containing all the matter in the Universe. Then, just as inexplicably, the magic superball that contains all creation says, "You can take this job and shove it, I have been holding your crap together for a trillionth of a nanosecond. I have better things to do now," and it explodes, again, without apparent cause for existing to begin with or for expanding in the second place.

After the uncaused explosion, the Universe manages to create stars from subatomic particles that are moving isometrically and extremely quickly into nothing, stopping them long enough to clump for no apparent reason, despite the fact that "it has to happen at high temperatures" in space where heat dissipates. Then, the fairy godfather says, "Stop all that moving now, we have millions of years to hang out," and the universe goes into slow-motion mode for 13.8 billion years.